FNN: Pope Francis I Has Announced the Vatican Will Move to Buenos Aires

FNN banner

 

Faux News Network religious reporter, Matthew Mark Lukejohn, attended a Papal meeting where Pope Francis I has announced the Vatican will move to Buenos Aires.

Pope Francis said at the meeting that he intends to move as soon as possible.  “Rome is the old world.  I’m from the new world and I should be in the new world.  I have to get away from these Vatican regulars.  They think they can run my life.  They tell me what to wear, what to do, when to do it, what to eat.  Already I can’t stand them.  I love my new red shoes, but they tell me I can’t wear them except on formal occasions. Besides, I hate Rome.  Especially the drivers.  I took the Popemobile out for a spin yesterday, to try it out.  Four different Roman drivers cut me off.”

The Pope went on: “I have all these friends and relatives in Buenos Aires who need jobs but they won’t move to Rome.  So what can I do?  I have to move the jobs to Buenos Aires.  We’ll leave St Peter’s Basilica and the Vatican museum here as a tourist attraction.  It’ll be Vatican Europe and it’ll bring in money to pay off the sex abuse judgements.  I’m thinking, after I get Vatican America up and running, I can start on Vatican Africa and after that Vatican Asia.  They’ll be modeled after the way Disney does stuff.  We can decorate them with the art treasures we have stashed away in the Vatican basements and I’ll issue Papal Bulls calling for a new crusade, a financial crusade, so the faithful can pay for the construction of these holy sites.”

Francis I concluded with, “i can’t wait to get the Popemobile out on the pampas and stomp on the gas pedal.”

FNN and Lukejohn will stay with this breaking news story and update this report as needed.