Vatican Seizes Control of American Nuns

Faux News Network religious reporter, Matthew Mark Lukejohn filed this exclusive report.

The Vatican announced today that all American nuns will henceforth be under control of the Office of Holy Hubris.  The OHH is headed by Cardinal Luigi Pompousio and he issued the following statement:

Effective immediately, all American nuns must wear their order’s habit and will no longer be allowed to wear civilian clothes. The nuns will have three months to close down their current living conditions and move into a convent.  Outside social contact will be strictly controlled.

At the convent, the nuns will spend their spare time in devotions and penance.  Each convent will be under the auspices of a monsignor appointed by the Office of Holy Hubris.  The monsignor will be in charge of all disciplinary issues and will conduct investigations into nuns holding beliefs contrary to Church teachings. Guilty nuns will be subjected to harsh treatment intended to cleanse their souls of ungodly thoughts and to teach them to think in approved ways.

Lukejohn spoke to several nuns who work at a hospital.  One of them told Lukejohn, “These monsignors are in for the shock of their lives. We’re not giving up freedom of thought for any old windbag in the Vatican.”

FNN will update this report as more information is received.